The Devil You Know Query

Hi everyone and thanks for looking at these. The first query is my original; the second a rougher draft based on a critique by a fellow writer. This is the meat of the query. I’ll add personal information later. IE: first paragraph agent info and last paragraph bio. A general critique or advice on which elements to keep and which to cut would be appreciated.

Query #1

In a world changed by a cataclysm no one remembers, but which has left its footprints across the land, the Svistra, a race with a genetic deficiency that needs blood to survive, lived in relative peace.

When human settlers pushed farther north into the Svistra’s homeland, conflict flared. A king, rather than fighting the fierce people, enticed them into his army with promises of land and prosperity, before he turned on his fellow monarchs. Other kings followed suit and war carried on for centuries.

But even kings tire of warfare.

The Svistra became a race of misplaced warriors. The surviving kings used the Svistra as jailers with only their prisoners as game but the Svistra’s thirst for human blood eventually made them unmanageable. The kings banished the dwindling population to a barren mountain range where they hoped the race would eventually disappear. They were wrong.

Now the Svistra are strong, and they want their lands back.

The Devil You Know is the 100,000-word fantasy story of Selia, the daughter of a whore and an unknown solider, who runs the tavern on the last crossroads before the Wastes, and Jaden, a Svistra she finds half-dead by the roadside but nurses back to health in her barn.

When the king’s soldiers shanghai Oren, her simple-minded barkeep and her only family, Selia sets off to rescue him. Jaden soon joins her. Together, they will struggle through a merciless war and pave the way for an unlikely reconciliation between their peoples.

Query #2

Selia knew better, she’d heard the stories, but she couldn’t leave the wounded man to die, even if he was a Svistra and her enemy.

When human settlers pushed farther north into the Svistra’s homeland, conflict flared. A king, rather than fighting the fierce people, enticed them into his army with promises of land and prosperity, before he turned on his fellow monarchs. Other kings followed suit and war carried on for centuries.

But even kings tire of warfare.

The Svistra became a race of misplaced warriors. The kings banished the dwindling population to a barren mountain range where they hoped the race would eventually disappear. They were wrong.

Now the Svistra are strong, and they want their lands back.

As tension escalates between their people, Selia and Oren, her simple-minded brother, nurse Jaden back to health. The Svistra is not what she expected. Cultured and even gentle, he challenges everything she’s heard about the northern race. When the king’s soldiers shanghai Oren, Selia leaves the tavern to rescue him. Jaden soon joins her. Together, they will struggle through a merciless war and pave the way for reconciliation between their peoples and discover that sometimes, home is found in a person.

The Devil You Know is the 100,000-word paranormal romance between Jaden, a Svistra outcast and Selia, the daughter of a whore and an unknown solider, who runs the tavern on the last crossroads before the Wastes.

A few additional notes now that you’ve read these. This is a romance. It’s sent in a post-apocalyptic world but the event was so long ago, it’s only legend. However the effects of this event did cause a change in the genetic make-up of a group of people who now need blood to supplement their diet. (hence the paranormal) They do not manufacture a few essential amino acids. The Svistra are not vampires and I don’t want them to seem like vampires.  This is not my first query but it seems to have me stumped.

Thank you for your time and efforts.

Shawna

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