3. A sense of professionalism.
- You don’t say, “Hey, I have a great novel for you.”
4. Humble. Humble. Humble. Not self-deprecating, but humble.
- You don’t tell the agent what to think of your novel or characters: fantastic, sad, etc. Don’t talk about themes unless the agent is looking for X theme and stated so.
- You don’t say you are the best ever.

Query #1

In a world changed by a cataclysm no one remembers, but which has left its footprints across the land, the Svistra, a race with a genetic deficiency that needs blood to survive, lived in relative peace.

When human settlers pushed farther north into the Svistra’s homeland, conflict flared. A king, rather than fighting the fierce people, enticed them into his army with promises of land and prosperity, before he turned on his fellow monarchs. Other kings followed suit and war carried on for centuries.

But even kings tire of warfare.

The Svistra became a race of misplaced warriors. The surviving kings used the Svistra as jailers with only their prisoners as game but the Svistra’s thirst for human blood eventually made them unmanageable. The kings banished the dwindling population to a barren mountain range where they hoped the race would eventually disappear. They were wrong.

Now the Svistra are strong, and they want their lands back.

The Devil You Know is the 100,000-word fantasy story of Selia, the daughter of a whore and an unknown solider, who runs the tavern on the last crossroads before the Wastes, and Jaden, a Svistra she finds half-dead by the roadside but nurses back to health in her barn.

When the king’s soldiers shanghai Oren, her simple-minded barkeep and her only family, Selia sets off to rescue him. Jaden soon joins her. Together, they will struggle through a merciless war and pave the way for an unlikely reconciliation between their peoples.

Query #2

Selia knew better, she’d heard the stories, but she couldn’t leave the wounded man to die, even if he was a Svistra and her enemy.

When human settlers pushed farther north into the Svistra’s homeland, conflict flared. A king, rather than fighting the fierce people, enticed them into his army with promises of land and prosperity, before he turned on his fellow monarchs. Other kings followed suit and war carried on for centuries.

But even kings tire of warfare.

The Svistra became a race of misplaced warriors. The kings banished the dwindling population to a barren mountain range where they hoped the race would eventually disappear. They were wrong.

Now the Svistra are strong, and they want their lands back.

As tension escalates between their people, Selia and Oren, her simple-minded brother, nurse Jaden back to health. The Svistra is not what she expected. Cultured and even gentle, he challenges everything she’s heard about the northern race. When the king’s soldiers shanghai Oren, Selia leaves the tavern to rescue him. Jaden soon joins her. Together, they will struggle through a merciless war and pave the way for reconciliation between their peoples and discover that sometimes, home is found in a person.

The Devil You Know is the 100,000-word paranormal romance between Jaden, a Svistra outcast and Selia, the daughter of a whore and an unknown solider, who runs the tavern on the last crossroads before the Wastes.

A few additional notes now that you’ve read these. This is a romance. It’s sent in a post-apocalyptic world but the event was so long ago, it’s only legend. However the effects of this event did cause a change in the genetic make-up of a group of people who now need blood to supplement their diet. (hence the paranormal) They do not manufacture a few essential amino acids. The Svistra are not vampires and I don’t want them to seem like vampires.  This is not my first query but it seems to have me stumped.

Thank you for your time and efforts.

Shawna

BTW, the romance writers kicked me out when I described the plot of this novel and said it wasn’t like a pure romance. When I tried chic lit at their suggestion, the chic lit people kicked me out (It doesn’t have high fashion, lots of dating dilemmas, dieting, or any of chic lit issues.) Someone said that I should try Woman’s Lit, but I got kicked out of that for using contemporary references to pop culture like Weird Al and Karate Kid. (Saying it will “date” really fast.) So I’m interested in what genre impression you get from this hook.

Title: No Strings Attached

Author: Rachel Udin
Hook: Elisabeth is Sick of Love!

Elisabeth’s plan was simple. Step One: Marry her best friend, William. Step Two: Reap all the legal benefits of marriage. Step Three: Never deal with love again.

However, life never goes as planned. William slowly falls in love with her. Now the unpleasant past is resurfacing.

Background: I met with the agent (Harding) this past weekend, and she requested the query.  She requested the quotes at the end of the query too. I don’t typically put blurbs from other writers into my queries, (like it happens every day or something ) but she explicitly told me to put it in there, so don’t freak when you see them!

The only difference between the two is the blurb in the middle, but the whole query is on the table (including grammar and style!!), so let me know.

-jm

Dear Ms. Harding,

It was a pleasure meeting you at the DFW Writers Conference.

Below, please find the materials you requested.

As a refresher, the story title is The Iolani. It is a 99,000-word science-fiction/fantasy novel with elements of both genres. My blurb is below.

On a quiet provincial planet, the skies darken with destruction as the starships of the Hling slide into orbit.  The aliens enslave the defenseless inhabitants who cannot match their futuristic technology. The capricious Hling soon force the survivors to play a sick game to determine how long they are allowed to live.

Hope emerges in the form of one young man named Ewan.  The ancient texts tell of the Iolani, a person who can restore a legendary magic not seen in hundreds of years. All signs point to Ewan being the Iolani, but he does not know where the magic is, or how to release it.

He must locate it quickly, however—he is scheduled to die in a matter of months.

I sent this manuscript to Eldon Thompson, the author of the Legend of Asahiel trilogy, and have pasted in a few of his key comments below.

“From top to bottom, a terrific story. I especially enjoyed the well-placed twists. I was surprised by the revelations, yet thought to myself: “I should have known.” That is precisely the reaction an author should hope for when he pulls a dramatic twist like that.”

“I also loved your setup with the chip in the back of Ewan’s head, giving us a ticking clock from the outset. Way to add a sense of urgency to the adventure. And speaking of that, you do a masterful job of keeping the action moving, and ending each scene with a teaser that propels us into the next. Hard to ever find a place to stop reading.”

“Got to it sooner that expected, and finished it wayyy faster than I do most. That’s a testament to your writing skills, because with all the reading I do, reading stuff that doesn’t stand up, feels like a chore.”

Thank you for your time and consideration. Per the instructions on the web, I have included the first thirty pages below.

Sincerely,

Dear Ms. Harding,

It was a pleasure meeting you at the DFW Writers Conference.

Below, please find the materials you requested.

As a refresher, the story title is The Iolani. It is a 99,000-word science-fiction/fantasy novel with elements of both genres. My blurb is below.

They cut his mother down in a field. They enslaved his entire planet. They murdered his father for protecting him. And when they injected a chip into his skull to kill him in one year, anguish conquered seventeen-year-old Ewan. The aliens had taken everything from him. But in his darkest moment, there emerges a glimmer of hope: The Game.

The aliens set up The Game as sport, but it was life or death for Ewan’s people.  The rules are simple, but The Game is not. Ewan’s people are told that if they can ever beat it, they will go free.  No one has ever come close, except for Ewan.  He is now the focus of the aliens and his own people.  To the aliens, he is an exciting gamble. To his own people, he is hope. But Ewan has his own reasons for playing The Game.

Everything changes, however, when Ewan learns he may be the savior of his entire planet, but it has nothing to do with The Game.

I sent this manuscript to Eldon Thompson, the author of the Legend of Asahiel trilogy, and have pasted in a few of his key comments below.

“From top to bottom, a terrific story. I especially enjoyed the well-placed twists. I was surprised by the revelations, yet thought to myself: “I should have known.” That is precisely the reaction an author should hope for when he pulls a dramatic twist like that.”

“I also loved your setup with the chip in the back of Ewan’s head, giving us a ticking clock from the outset. Way to add a sense of urgency to the adventure. And speaking of that, you do a masterful job of keeping the action moving, and ending each scene with a teaser that propels us into the next. Hard to ever find a place to stop reading.”

“Got to it sooner that expected, and finished it wayyy faster than I do most. That’s a testament to your writing skills, because with all the reading I do, reading stuff that doesn’t stand up feels like a chore.”

Thank you for your time and consideration. Per the instructions on the web, I have included the first thirty pages below.

Sincerely,

Dear Dream Agent:

Twelve-year-old Cullen must rescue his favorite teacher from Fiana, the vampire married to the wizard that possesses Cullen.

He has had a rough year. It all started when he found that magic wand buried in the redwood forest. Now he has a thousand-year old wizard trapped in his head, and the wizard’s sadistic wife has already tried to kill him once.

Fourteen centuries ago, the wizard Rowan hid inside his wand to save his life during an attack. It wasn’t until Cullen found the wand a thousand years later that Rowan was released. He just traded one prison for another. Now he possesses Cullen, and they must work together to defeat Fiana, Rowan’s wife who has somehow survived time and become something evil. He realizes that death isn’t always the worst option.

Fiana had dedicated her existence to finding Rowan, sacrificing everything, including her soul. But it took too long. She gave up six hundred years ago. Since she’s become a vampire, life had gotten so much simpler. Kill. Drink. Laugh. Repeat.

After learning about the release of Rowan, however, her heart fills with love and a new obsession to turn him in a vampire. Then they can finally be together, forever. In a ploy to lure her husband to her island fortress, Fiana abducts Cullen’s favorite teacher, who deeply cares for Rowan.

Young Cullen gathers his misfit group of friends to rescue his teacher from the clutches of the vampire.

Witch on the Water is a 70,000 word Mythic Fantasy novel with content appropriate for readers of all ages. Mythology from both the Celts and Native American peoples, along with some actual historical events, provide a flavor of authenticity.

Our first book Rowan of the Wood, an Award-Winning Finalist in the National Best Books 2008 Awards, sold out of its first print run in five months. We’re still strongly marketing Rowan on the road as well as in cyberspace.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Mother of Pearl sits in the paranormal/romance/suspense genre and can be described as Charmed meets True Blood – Pearl, a homesick Liverpudlian student in Monterey Bay suffers from paranormal shock when a ghostly pendant falls into her possession, and a sexy but petulant gypsy is hot on her trail.

Pearl Kizzy left the comforts of her home town Liverpool to study art in The Monterey Peninsula. She’s entertained by her vivacious roommate named Celeste, and spends her spare time searching for links to her long departed mother who grew up in the area…all whilst trying to balance studies with her love life and avoid a stalker, who’s hot on her trail.

Pearl’s frolicking sees her thrown, head first, into a paranormal world when she stumbles upon a mysterious book shop. It’s here that she’s given a ruby pendant and an old book – problem, the book doesn’t exist and the pendant is linked to an apparition that is screaming for attention.

Enter Luka (the stalker); an erratic gypsy that knows more about her predicament than she does. With Lukas help, spooky séances, psychic art and telepathy become all but pieces in the paranormal jigsaw puzzle, which point to a hidden family secret connected to Pearl’s mum.

Mother of Pearl is my first novel and is complete at around 70,000 words and 350 pages; the full manuscript is available upon request. I am currently working on the sequel, String of Pearls; Pearl Drop will be the third in the series. I have several other unwritten manuscripts awaiting my future attention. My non-fiction feature articles have been published in various spiritual magazines, covering subjects such as Psychic Art, Meditation and Color Therapy.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,
my name

3 steps to a PREMISE. 4 Golden Rules for a HOOK.

A hook is based on your PREMISE. A synopsis is based on your PLOT. Get this straight before you write the hook. An Agent won’t know this, so this is my inside guide…

The first part is a three step process.
1. Write out your PREMISE.
2. Think about the beginning events and how they connect to the character towards the premise.
3. Check the Who, what, where, when and how.

Rules for your hook.
1. Know what your book is about.
2. Limit the amount of characters, events and terminology to three to four in the hook. Pay particular attention to the proper nouns.
3. Make sure there is a major conflict in the hook. Sub-plots are not as important.
4. RESEARCH YOUR AGENT and TAILOR your hook to the agent.

Though agents may not know it, what they really want is your premise, not your synopsis when they ask for a hook.

A premise is the thing that compelled you to write the book in the first place and keep writing it. (And it wasn’t the thousands of cups of coffee alone that made you come back to that particular book.)

A synopsis is a play by play of the entire plot and is usually two to three pages. This isn’t always written by the author and is used to sell the book to bookstores as well as libraries. Occasionally reviewers use the synopsis to review books even if they aren’t supposed to. This not what you want.

1. Write out your PREMISE.

A premise is best come up with starting with a 20-word sentence. If you can’t do it in 20 words then you don’t know your story (Anne McCaffrey tip).

This can change in the course of writing and editing a story, so be sure you write all hooks after you finish the book. BTW, this doesn’t mean this will be part of your hook, but it will centralize the main characters and beginning events you need to focus on.

All stories have a 20-word premise. Here are some examples.

Example: A ten-year-old boy, Harry Potter, has to save Hogwarts from Voldemort, a rogue wizard, who is seeking revenge. (20) There. I summarized what was a 7-book series into one sentence.

Example: Pie hunting is handed down throughout the generations, but the art of it is going extinct. (16 words)
That was a short by Mur Lafferty. (On Drabblecast)

Example: A red-headed orphan goes to live with a brother-sister spinster couple to only find out they wanted a boy. (20 words)
Anne of Green Gables, first novel in the series, by L.M. Montogomery

Example: To get revenge on Fortunado, Montresor brings Fortunado to a cellar in the hope of burying him alive. (17 words)
The Cask of Amontillado by Edgar Allen Poe

Long or short, epic or non-epic any story should be able to be boiled down to its premise and if you can’t find the compelling reason to buy it in the premise, you have a problem to face. You need to find it.

I’m going with a Prince who falls in love with a dragon. My incentive is that the prince and dragon are gay.

2. Think about the beginning events and how they connect to the character *towards* the premise.

I’m going to pretend that I have a Prince that falls in love with a dragon. But I need to tell who this person is. What is he like?

Connecting to the character is important in a hook. List of events is boring for people.

Characters are made up of character development and quirks.

For blurbs, I think character quirks and obvious character flaws are more compelling. Personality flaws usually work out better.

For example:
A shut-in. Arrogant. Know-it-all. Abusive. Quick-temper.

Titles can work, but remember to limit your terminology.

After you have the one trait you want it’s your job to show it in your hook. Do not outright state it. “evil” wizard. Why is he evil?

An example…

Staring into his mirror everyday, Prince Gallant never thought he’d fall in love with a male dragon.

“Staring into his mirror” and “Prince” tells who the character is, which makes an immediate connection to the character for the person.

3. Check the Who, what, where, when and how.

You can omit the why (Why did an event happen) and how (How did this plot happen?) in the hook, but still check them over.

So getting back…
Staring into his mirror everyday, Prince Gallant of Morte Valley never thought he’d fall in love with a male dragon. But for the dragon, it was love at first sight and Prince Gallant couldn’t fight a dragon that would refuse to fight. Over time, Prince Gallant realized that the dragon was outcast from his family of dragons because of his love of handsome men and wanted to help the dragon, but Prince Gallant has a lot of explaining to do to his father and the Kingdom first.

You have there the remaining W’s (Why and How). You have an unresolved list of conflicts. I assume the pretend agent really likes humorous fantasy and gay romances.

Prince v. Dragon. Prince V. Himself falling in love with the dragon. Dragon v. Family. Prince v. Dragon’s family. Prince v. King. Prince v. Kingdom and a lose list of order in which the larger conflicts must take place. This is to show that not all conflicts need to be explicitly said. Some can be implied. This is word conservation. It’s a good thing.

Remember, every last sentence counts. If one sentence is boring or poorly written, you have a problem. You are fighting space and the agent’s patience. Imagine you’re at the bottom of the slush pile after they’ve had a crappy day of reading more letters with “Dear Agent.” Catch their attention. Fight for it.

Useful resources:
Writer’s Market – Buy one. You need one. They have formatting and industry changes. It’s worth the money.

Critiques – Many writers sent out hooks blind. Their loss, your gain.

Follow the directions on the about page.
Critique others’ queries! We help each other here.
Use the resources in the pages and blogroll (on right).

Also check out #FirstPage for valuable feedback for the pages that agent will request after your awesome, revised query (thanks to #QueryVote) knocks their socks off. Check out this One Pass Revision site first.

Spend some time with the links on the right.

Research other queries and agent blogs. There is a wealth of info there from the agents’ mouths.

Follow them on Twitter. Many, many  more resources over in the @Agents & Tips page

This is reprinted from edittorrent. I found this to be an excellent exercise.

Original Source

I’m going to pretend I’m pitching something and will craft a fake list for us to use as an example.

The protagonist:
Heroine: Laidback earth-mother
Hero: meticulous craftsman

The goal/reward:
To convert the heroine’s garage into mother-in-law quarters.

The obstacle(s):
She needs $10,000 as a down payment.

The antagonist:
Crappy economy and frozen credit.

Consequence of failure:
Mother-in-law will be in spare bedroom, and heroine will lose her workspace for her art.

Motive:
Heroine promised dead husband she would always care for m-i-l.

Challenge to self-image:
Until this all happened, my character used to think he was: family-oriented and generous.

Inciting Event:
Nursing home kicks m-i-l out because she keeps stealing the other patients’ candy. She’s a handful, that one.

Ticking Clock:
Nursing home is paid up for six weeks. After that, m-i-l is out.

Important steps taken:
Heroine hires hero to do the rush build.
Heroine tries/fails to get financing.
Heroine tries/fails to get dead husband’s family to help.
Heroine tries/fails to get hero to cut corners on plans.

Final reversal :
Hero pulls out of job because he can’t work like this and because he secretly thinks heroine should extricate herself from dead husband’s family affairs.

Outcome:
She finally finds closure on her marriage, free to love the hero, sends m-i-l off to live with other family, and converts garage into art studio. Meticulously crafted by hero, of course.
He learns that he can’t control every detail, no matter how hard he tries, and that sometimes a man has to give a little to get a little. *wink*

Now, here’s what you do. Pick any two or three items on the list, and mash them together into a single sentence. Then pick a different two or three items, and mash those. Lather. Rinse. Repeat until you hit on a combo that sizzles.

And there’s your log line. Lead off a pitch with a sizzling, story-specific log line, and whoever is listening will have a “hook” to hang the rest of the pitch on. (I don’t mean hook in the secret baby/amnesia/billionaire way, but in the sense that this is the piece which will prop up all the other pieces.)

Added bonus: You can use the rest of the worksheet to draft the rest of your pitch. Why not? You’ve basically just created a handy little structural road map for your story. Might as well use it to get where you want to go.

Let’s try a few, shall we?

When a laidback earth mother gets a six-week eviction notice from her mother-in-law’s nursing home, she has to choose between finally letting go of her dead husband and honoring her deathbed promise to him to always take care of his mother.

Eh. OK. But where’s the hero? If you use a line like this for a romance pitch, bring the hero in quickly after it.

When a laidback earth mother must take her dead husband’s mother into her home, she hires a meticulous craftsman to build a garage apartment, and instead they end up building a new life together.

A little hokey, but it definitely conveys the premise.

When a laidback earth mother hires a meticulous craftsman to construct a garage apartment, the two of them battle over everything from appliances and color choices to their growing attraction to each other.

When her dead husband’s family refuses to care for their ailing matriarch, a laidback earth mother must come to terms with her widowhood and find a way to love again.

As you see, once you start playing with piece, you might find yourself riffing in ways that leap off the worksheet you filled out. That’s okay. The worksheet is meant to inspire, not to limit.

Now it’s your turn. Mash away! Keep going until you find an opening sentence that really speaks to you.

QUERY 1:

Dear XXXXXX:

I am seeking representation for my 81,000-word memoir My Mother is Coming to Live with Me, a humorous, yet bittersweet chronicle of a mother and daughter’s unconditional love. My experience brings personal detail to a subject 25 million Americans of the Sandwich Generation currently face and 78 million Baby Boomers will likely confront in the near future.

Mom, in her late eighties, had a difficult operation in 2006 that sapped her strength and caused her to rethink living alone. I had already prepared for the day she would come to live with me and even though I knew it might be difficult, based my decision on heartfelt affection, respect and loyalty. Almost immediately my quirky frail parent turns bossy and demanding. Mom’s transformation includes midnight phone calls from her bed to mine, with imaginary ailments or reminders of tasks she needs me to do in the morning. Even a trip to the mall is an escapade of comedic proportions. Doctor visits are numerous, and then an MRI finds a mass in her lung. I go into denial, while my brother sees an opportunity to escape his debts by giving the creditors Mom’s telephone number. Although my life seems to be sliding down a rabbit hole towards chaos, I find comfort knowing that I’m doing something meaningful.

For over ten years, I have been the writer and publisher of a Swatch Collector newsletter, cited by the New York Times in March 26, 1996 and interviewed twice on national television. My artwork has been in galleries in New York City and the tri-state area. My internet presence consists of Facebook, Twitter, and three blog websites. I am eager to help market my narrative. I would like to offer you sample chapters or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Cordially,

Lynne Cheson

QUERY 2:

I am seeking representation for my 81,000-word memoir My Mother is Coming to Live with Me, a humorous, yet bittersweet chronicle of a mother and daughter’s unconditional love. My hands on experience brings personal detail to a subject 25 million Americans of the Sandwich Generation currently face and 78 million Baby Boomers will likely confront in the near future.

Mom, in her late eighties and living in Florida, had a difficult operation that sapped her strength and caused her to rethink staying alone. I had already prepared for the day she might come to live with me in New Jersey and even though I knew it would be difficult, based my decision on heartfelt affection, respect and loyalty. Mom’s transformation includes midnight phone calls from her bed to mine, including reminders of tasks she needs me to do first thing in the morning. Even a trip to the mall is an escapade of comedic proportions. Almost immediately my quirky frail parent turns bossy and demanding. As the narrative unfolds, flashbacks of a dysfunctional family including connections to the mob and drug addiction intertwine with the present. Doctor visits are numerous, and seropis health issues come and go. I stay optimistic, while my brother sees an opportunity to escape his debts by giving the creditors Mom’s telephone number. Although my life seems to be sliding down a rabbit hole towards chaos, I find comfort knowing that I’m doing something meaningful.

For over ten years, I have been the writer and publisher of a Swatch Collector newsletter, cited by the New York Times in March 26, 1996 and interviewed twice on national television. My artwork has been in galleries in New York City and the tri-state area. My internet presence consists of Facebook, Twitter, and three blog websites. I am eager to help market my narrative. I would like to offer you sample chapters or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Cordially,

Lynne Cheson